Team South
1. Matt Evans
Founder member and single figure handicapper. Did well in 2005 to escape with a win in his singles, after the entire Northern team blatantly picked on him during ‘three-man’ drinking game. 12 months on, Matt claims he is still to sober up properly.
2. Paul Hitchin
Founder member, with valid claim to be the only triple figure handicapper. Legendary performance on the first tee at the Belfry, where the trademark ‘cocked wrists’ action was unveiled for the first time with the expected result.
3. Mark Burton
Mark is a tough opponent on the course but even tougher at the bar. Just pray you don’t draw Mark and “smudger” Smith the next day as their tactics are simple and involve Crème de Menthe!
4. David Byrne
Like Donners, DB was absent in 2006 after a succession of lads holidays around the globe. Sounds like he’s under the thumb to me, as he was worried what the missus might think. A northerner wouldn’t have stood for that.
5. Andrew Donnelly
Donners is a CNG legend. A proper Southerner, with little respect for flat caps and whippets. Off the course laid back and offers structural support to any bar. Quick witted and one of the good guys. On the course he’s tough and only gives putts under 10cm! Southern stalwart!
6. Alan Harris
Another to miss out on 2006, offering the excuse of kid’s school holidays and a possible clash with a weekend away booked by the wife. To his credit, Alan is as southern as a cucumber sandwich, and the sight of gravy makes him physically sick.
7. Andrew Jackson
Classy player, with the same Jackson will to win as his less talented brother. Dodgy handicap
8. Matt Jackson
Jacko is probably the most competitive player on the Southern team, with a ‘win at all costs’ attitude that acts as inspiration to his teammates, and riles his opponents in equal measure. Odd grip, and a dodgy handicap.
9. Dean Ladbrooke
Last minute call up to the 2005 team, and did not let his team mates down with a solid contribution. Wasn’t able to join in the drinking, as he’d left his ID at home.
10. Will Matthews
Has spent the last two years playing and drinking with the north on the eve of the tournaments. Some would say he’s a spy looking to get an early idea of the north’s tactics but most would say he’s just jealous of the north’s way of preparing and bored of the pre-tournament tea and fairy cake meetings orgainised by the south.
11. Alex Booth
Like many of the golfers, Alex spent a few years at Nottingham Uni. Picked up a couple of longest drive trophies at the Arden – one in particular was f*cking immense at 320 yards. Great debut, and a certain pick for future years.
12. Angus Brydon
Subject of some consternation in 2006, as the south recruited a Scotsman to the cause. Angus stayed away from the pub long enough to complete 2 good rounds at the Arden, and even eye-balled a wild stag in an entertaining stand-off on the 10th.
13. Rudi Hare
A few eyebrows were raised when Rudi was announced on the team. Who is this guy, with a name like a Hollywood porn actor? Turns out Rudi had played the Arden the week before, and used this to his advantage in helping the south win in 2006. Shame he forgot how to play the 18th though.
14. Lawrence Booth
Lawrence was the surprise package of the Southern 2007 team, picking up a great win over Northern stalwart Sam Horrocks in the singles. Great example of someone playing to their strengths and keeping things simple, to guarantee points for the team.
15. Simon Borrie
Teamed up with fellow Kiwi Jerry in the fourballs and picked up a great victory over the Horrocks twins. Brought a refreshing attitude and style of play to the tournament, and held his own in the bar as the North tried to out-psyche their opponents with some aggressive drinking tactics.
16. Ben Carpenter
Picked up nearest the pin trophies on both days at Celtic Manor. Maybe needs to work on his putting after missing both birdie opportunities, and even managed to 3-putt on the Monday from 5 feet! A talented golfer who, with a bit more practice, could become a real asset to the South in years to come.
17. Pete Geddes
Came up against some uncomprimising Northern golfers and found the going tough on his first outing. A proud Southerner, Pete will draw positives from his first chastening CnG experience.
18. Laurence Marshall
One of 11 Southerners making their debut at Celtic Manor, Laurence helped pick up a good win in the fourballs as the South started really well with 3 wins out of 3. Was particularly vocal when in came to cashing in on Mick’s hole-in-one.
19. Cameron Munden
Played really well at The Manor, holding his own in the esteemed company of Matt Evans, Mike Harrison and Steve Mills, and picking up a nervy win in the singles with a fine pitch to 2 feet at the last. Probably wants to forget a shocker at the 14th where his pitch rolled backwards into a bunker, from where he took another 4 shots to emerge.
20. Jerry Napia
Memorable debut for the big Kiwi. The fun began when he thought he could squeeze into a large sized shirt. Luckily we had a spare XL. Jerry picked up the longest drive in the fourballs and put in a sterling performance in the inaugral CnG Boat Race. Took the Northerners head on at the bar that evening and paid the price with an alcohol-affected heavy defeat in the singles.
21. Matthew Smith
Evidently a golfer who wears his heart on his sleeve, after storming off the 18th in disgust after the sickening disappointment of losing to a Northerner. We’ll be working on channeling that aggression throughout 2008 as the South look to bounce back.
22. Stephen Wautier
Played really well to claim maximum points and Hall of Fame recognition on his first appearance for the South. Held his nerve on the last in the final singles match to win by 1 hole, in what Steve believed to be the tournament winning put. Turned out North had won two matches ago but showed some steel.
23. Carl Wheeler
Another late call up, Carl is a big fan of Countdown, and proved to be a fine wordsmith with some entertaining anagrams of the name Greg Lander out on the course. Some encouraging golf yielded no points for Carl, who is keen to return in 2008 to put this stat right.
24. Rob Thornhill
Last minute call up after Angus’ broken metacarpal. Rob bolstered the Bournemouth ranks among the Southern team and put in a great debut showing, beating Tooney at the last in the singles after almost letting his opponent back in the game.
25. Richard Brown
A debutant for the 2008 competition and walked away with a solid 1.5 points which included a resounding fourballs victory.
26. Neil Evans
Another 2008 debutant, Neil was unlucky not to score a point in the weekend.
27. Graham Gooden
Graham’s dedication to the cause in the barroom events led him into the final day of the 2008 tournament with only ounces of energy left. However, having looked beaten by the 16th hole he took off his shoe and found a hidden grain of effort to battle back for a plucky half point.
28. Steve Gooden
Put in some good time at the bar on the Sunday ’08 night out and became involved in a complex £100 bet with Simon Lowe. Bet involved around picking 3 of the Monday singles matches, a scoring system and the use of voodoo magic. No one knows exactly who won the money but the smart bet is on a gentlemanly hungover handshake settling it!
29. Gavin Hancock
Gavin made his debut in the 2008 competition and took one point from the fourballs after a close victory but lost a tight game in the singles on the Sunday.
30. Nick Smith
Nick is a very steady golfer who always bring his “A” game to the Chips n Gravy. Along with Mark Burton (CNG #3) he is even more deadly at the bar. Takes genuine glee in destroying Northern opponents and the Craig v Nick “drink for drink” battle is rapidly becoming part of Chips n Gravy folklore. Nick’s currently 4-0 against Craig!
31. Jim Ryan
Centre of a whirlwind of controversy between the 08 North and South captains. Jim was drafted in at short notice and supplied his last four scores for the handicap system. IBM’s deep blue went to work and Jim’s handicap was calculated to be 21. Much arguing was generated but his handicap stayed at 21. Finishing the 08 tournament with no points may have shown some smart manoeuvring by the North but if Deep Blue can beat Kasparov then who’s to argue!
32. Jon Firkins
City big-wig enjoyed his first CnG after squeezing in time between a couple of FTSE 100 merger/takeover deals. Needs to get more practice in on the course, and was eyeing up corporate hospitality facilities for next month’s meeting with Richard Branson and Martin Sorrell. Treid to buy the Celtic Manor but they wouldn’t let them take it out of Wales.
33. Wayne Green
Was a victim of the Northern onslaught in 2009 as a debutant but has the talent to get revenge next time.
34. Ed Hartridge
35. Ian Law
A serious rival to Hitchin and Duncan for man most likely to struggle over 36 holes of gruelling golf. No worries about the Law’s drinking capabilities, this was unfortunately not quite enough to rely on as his golf suffered. Still, the new-comer enjoyed his weekend at the Manor, and will always be remembered fondly by Bege for letting him win 10 and 8!
36. Nigel Ng
Impressively the first CnG golfer to boast a surname without a single vowel. Nigel was always on the back foot at Celtic Manor after his car broke down on the M4. He joined up with the last 4-ball group on the 10th, but didn’t have time to settle. Played a great singles game to half with (Mark Harrison I think…)
37. James Punch
The most pi55ed man in the history of CNG..maybe the world ever…swaying…not understandning the concept of the boat race…falling asleep….not understanding the concept of how to check into a hotel…..legend.
38. Tobias Tolle
The man with a name that suggests he may have starred in a Jason and the Argonauts movie! A God type, Leviathan name, suggesting power and history that lost both days to a man from Bolton called Horrocks! Steady and consistent golfer who has a long Chips n Gravy career ahead of him.
39. Darren Lewis
The man, along with Will Mathews, who took on the might of Milton Keynes nightlife and actually won. What an accolade!
Some funny moments chatting to complete randoms and at one point was very concerned, when as part of a drunken challenge he had to ask a complete stranger for his socks. Darren looked like a man who had done that before and enjoyed it….Southerners…..make me sick.
40. Gavin Martin
A debatable entry to the hallowed Chips n Gravy website as a) he’s Scottish and not southern and b) he didn’t actually play! Gav unfortunately pulled up lame a few lengths short of the final hurdle and was then seen feeling a little hoarse. Make….me…..sick…they do!
We just think he wanted to show Poults his shiny new car and compare exhausts! Great lad and a decent golfer (even though we didn’t get to see it) and he’ll be back (excuse the pun) next year!
41. Steve Parkes
Steve partnered the metronomic and ever dependable Nick Smith in the Sunday fourballs and walked away with a convincing 7&6 win against Brian’s son and Dave James. Steve must have thought the annual North/South battle was a piece of potato cake till he took on an in form Jake Edmonds in the singles.
42. Steve King
Some strange and disturbing events were unfolding at Woburn over the 2010 CnG weekend. A still feeling that the overall narrative of the weekend was moving away from golf and towards a sinister and disturbing plot line took hold. Rumours of a child eating clown spread. It was later identified as Tooney looking for one of his tee shots. Steve was having his own fright though as he came up against the strong paring of Lowe and Deaville and then against 2010 hall of famer Tom Horrocks. Nightmare! Steve showed he’s class though and is another strong golfing addition to the south.
43. Phillip Green
Came charging into Woburn on horseback and carrying a jousting stick. Responded to the southern call for help and also the offer of a free round of championship golf and saved the day. All that horse riding and trumpeting may have affected his golf though as he came unstuck against an in form Jim Emmison. Now back at his day job running BHS and Top Shop.
44. Rob Bell
Television broadcaster Rob took to the CnG field like a duck to water, quick to feel the pressure of the event as he teed off first in Sunday’s fourballs at Slaley Hall. After topping his first shot about 50 yards along the ground infront of 31 other golfers, Rob soon found his feet and produced some solid golf over the weekend, backed up with a sound display at the bar to show that Southerners can put it away and still impress the Geordie lasses too.
45. Dan Bright
Arsenal fan Dan shunned the buggy in preference of a bracing walk during Sunday’s fourball at Slaley Hall on debut. Only a Southerner would pay for transport and then decide to walk instead, a ploy which had many Northerners shaking their heads in disbelief. This ambivalent attitude to money turned out to be a strategic master-stroke, with so many Northerner’s evidently put off their games for the entire weekend.
46. Chris Drumey
Joined his mate Rob Bell in tackling Newcastle’s city centre night life ahead of teeing off at Slaley Hall. Chris didn’t show any adverse effects, registering the longest drive in Monday’s singles and contributing well to a long-overdue Southern victory. Confirmed that Jacko is also a bandit at Proctor and Gamble golf days too.
47. Stuart Felce
Rumoured to have eaten a 17lb steak in a Vegas Casino in 2005, this man arrived with a serious reputation. 6 years of constipation had not had any impact on his golf though as he partnered southern stalwart Matt Evans to a creditable half in the fourballs and then beat Steve Mills in the Monday singles. Just don’t offer him a fibrous snack as one day he will eventually “go” and you really really do not want to be around!
48. Simon Hughes
New recruit to the South at Slaley Hall in 2011, Simon had to battle with contrasting emotions in representing the South despite hailing from York. He made the right choice – living in London for 15 years evidently gentrified this man sufficiently – as Simon contributed to a great win for the South. When not playing golf Simon enjoys attending parliament as Liberal Democrat MP for Bermondsey and providing insightful analysis on Channel 4 cricket.
49. Allan Chilman
Quiet man among the elder generation of 2012 recruits at St Mellion, Allan proved to be something of a demon around the greens. 40 yards in and he could land the ball as softly as a butterfly with sore feet. Took part in the only halved match all weekend in the singles against Steve “lassoo” Milner, which wasn’t quite enough to deny the North.
50. Barry Felce
Stuart Felce enjoyed CnG VIII so much in Newcastle that he brought his old man along to St Mellion the following year. Straight-talking Barry cut a fine figure on the course, with ice-white socks, tanned legs and perfectly ironed shorts. Along with Stu, the entire Felce clan came along for a week’s holiday, and as true family men father and son left the bar at 1am Sunday night to spend some quality time with the management. There’s talk of Barry’s other two sons joining the Southern ranks soon in a bid to upstage the Northern Horrocks dynasty.
51. Steve Mathews
Steve was a little anxious about the golf leading up to St Mellion, more at home in Cornish seawater with his surfboard, but he put in a solid first appearance despite a lack of experience on courses of such difficulty. Helped his brother out in gaining a valuable point in the Fourballs, but couldn’t repeat the trick in the singles blowing a 3 hole lead against a resurgent Bege. Steve enjoyed the banter and, while the competetive elements of Matchplay golf were a little alien to him, there was enough evidence to suggest he won’t be a one-year wonder.
52. Adrian Meredith
The South’s 2012 pre-event danger man found the going tough at St Mellion, giving many shots away and drawing a blank both days. Adrian found it hard playing off scratch while carrying an elbow injury, but he will no doubt be back again, if only to defend his longest drive trophy from the Fourballs. Just missed out on a brace of individual honours when Will Mathews (who wrote this) pipped his nearest the pin effort by a couple of feet. Caused uproar among the Northern team when ordering a meze platter featuring houmous, falafel and stuffed olives at the pre-event piss up.
53. Kevin Hill
Drafted in by Nick “Smudger” Smith as a late replacement for Steve Parkes at St Mellion, after a funny turn on the plane back from Prague. Kevin represented the south with vigour, not least in the bar helping to spread turmoil among the Northern camp ahead of the crucial singles. Although Kev didn’t trouble the scorers out on the course, his tactics in taking down a few Northerners with an imaginative array of dangerously alcoholic cocktails kept CnG IX a close run thing. As his profile picture shows, Kevin is the “Woosie” of the South, and no doubt looking forward to playing again in his own shirt without being called Steve.
54. Rich Bavister
After years of nearly playing, Rich finally stepped up to the mark in 2013 at Celtic Manor and enjoyed a terrific debut registering on the Hall of Fame roster and contributing to the Southern victory. Some of the Northerners were visibly shaken by ex-army man Rich’s booming Seargeant-Major tones that echoed around Southern Wales, and quite a few opponents confessed to never having met anyone quite as posh as Rich! To think that he could have represented the North (Rich was born in Sheffield) makes the mind boggle.
55. Jon Brocket
Big man Jon Brocket came into the 2013 event boasting the lowest handicap of all the golfers, and struggled a little to live up to expectations. Following an opening day victory in the Scramble with Andy Jackson, the same pair generously offered the North a chink of light in the Fourballs. Monday’s Singles pitted Jon against Tooney, offering up the potential pub quiz question of which was the longest ever match in CnG history (despite lasting only 4 hours)?
56. Tom Juniper
Tom copped plenty of Northern flak after a tremendous opening debut round in 2013, driving par-4 greens and holing eagle putts off a handicap of 19! This paved the way to a Hall of Fame performance over the weekend, even if his play on Sunday and Monday didn’t quite reach the heights of his efforts in the Scramble. No CnG would be complete without some handicap controversy, but it usually boils down to sour grapes!
57. Tom McManus
Switched allegiance to the South in 2013 at Celtic Manor after returning home from St Mellion empty handed when he first turned out for the North. Aussie / Kiwi hybrid Tom felt far more at home in the Red of the South and picked up 2.5 points out of 3 over the weekend as the South romped to victory. Jacko was perplexed (outraged, even!) when Tom offered a handicap reduction from his original 15, at which the North snapped his hand off!
58. Neil Wilson
Great debut at Celtic Manor in 2013, Neil took 2 of the 3 nearest the pin trophies on offer with a couple of superb tee-shots to within inches of the flag. Hall of Fame recognition shows how well Neil contributed to the Southern cause as the hip-flask returned to warmer climes. Something of a gadget fanatic by all accounts – Neil even has a gadget for his gadgets and drives Kit from Knight Rider.
