Team North
1. Sam Horrocks
Founder member who used to rely on tickling his trusty 4 iron 150 yards up the fairway. Years of abuse finally prompted a reaction from Sam, who was keen to rid himself of the tag of being more like a Mavis than a Fred. He now holds his own with a three wood, which he claims to have driven 155 yards. Famously ate glass on the eve of the 2005 tournament after picking a fight with the south.
2. Greg (Reg) Lander
Fatherhood hasn’t dented this man’s competitive edge, with Reg scrapping for a half in the legendary singles match of CnG 2017 against Southern stalwart Will Mathews. Three putts for the win on the last? Not so easy when you hit your first putt 20 yards past the hole and off the green.
3. Richard Bentley
Dubious dress sense, dodgy bowels but a useful golfer. Rich became the first competitor to abandon the competition in 2008 when, after 11 holes and 4 trips to the bushes, the dodgy gravy had the better of him and the missus was called. His record at CnG is not a patch on his talent so he has to get the choice of trousers right next year to get some points on the board.
4. Jim Emmison
Jim was sorely missed by the North in 2006 and 2007, following a good showing at the Belfry in 2005 where he led the South’s danger man Matt Evans for much of their singles battle. Was extradited back from Spain for the 2008 tournament though where he picked up a valuable point in the singles. Favours steak and kidney, with mushy peas.
5. Craig Histed
What more can be said about Craig that hasn’t already been written on dingy toilet walls. He doesn’t even have a dog? Craig is the quiet man of the North, leaving the unsavory pre-tournament banter to his less distinguished teammates. Reg refuses to pair Craig with Tooney in the fourballs, as previous efforts at working together (navigating a Winnebago in the US?!) nearly caused these two to never speak to each other again.
6. Mark Horan
The Horan brothers add a dash of colour (ginger) whenever they take to the course. I can’t properly distinguish one from the other, but I know Mark won both matches at the 2005 CNG held at The Belfry. Following Mark and Paul’s unexplained disappearance there is still an open file with West Midlands police. Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Mark should call the police and quote key word’ Ginger.
7. Paul Horan
See Mark Horan
8. Tom Horrocks
Tom is as regular as prune fed baby. Never missed a tournament and with a metronomic swing is tough challenge for any southern shandy drinking wideboy. Consistent golfer who has been defeated by his nemesis Andy Jacko in successive years in the singles. Has more talent than he shows. Tom and his twin also are Olympic medalists in the triathalon.
9. Gawain Horrocks
Gaz completes the Horrocks triumvirate of Bolton born gravy lovers. The North’s golfing superstar and leading points scorer. A long queue normally forms when deciding his fourballs partner. Experimented with living in Bristol for a few years, but the lure of Bolton proved to strong and he’s back sharing his brother’s coal-shed near Wigan with their gran.
10. Adam Toone
Lanky swinger, who looks like he’s playing with kids’ clubs. Tooney is often among the last to leave the bar mainly so that he has a ready-made excuse when he loses. Gravy courses through this man’s veins.
11. Duncan Gorton
The North were concerned that their replacement for the Horan brothers in 2006 was Duncan. He didn’t disappoint, receivng a record 36 shots in his singles and still coming out second best. 2007 will hopefully see the much anticipated Gorton vs. Hitchin heavyweight match-up – just pray you’re not in the fourball behind them.
12. Mark Harrison
Will go down in CnG folklore as the man to hit the first ever hole-in-one at the event. Proved costly with 27 thirsty golfers waiting in the clubhouse. Mark also took on Southern talisman Matt Evans in both rounds, gaining revenge for a tight 4-ball defeat with an impressive victory in the singles which proved to be decisive in the overall result.
13. David James
Has various public restraining orders against him and I believe is still not allowed within 200m of Kate Winslet. He’s a true team player though and showed this by naming his first born after a fellow CNG Northerner. Not only is his first child called Richard in honour of Mr Richard Begent (CNG # 19) there’s also a very striking resemblance. Advice to fellow Chips n Gravy players’. Ask no questions and you’ll get no lies.
14. Steve Mills
The archetypal gritty Northerner and a simple man of the land. Strange golf grip brought about through have 13 fingers on the grip at any one time. Steve refuses to lie down though has fearsome reputation for tenacity in his fourball and single matches.
15. Steve Milner
A golf swing that has been described as resembling a frog in a blender. Upon seeing it, resident golf professionals and technicians react like someone has scraped nails down a blackboard. Whatever Steve does though he’s doing it right. Proud member of the Hall of Fame. Stephen copped some abuse recently from his team-mates for preferring Rugby Union to League. Rumour has it he was recently seen drinking shandy too.
16. Mick Pullen
Jim was sorely missed by the North in 2006 and 2007, following a good showing at the Belfry in 2005 where he led the South’s danger man Matt Evans for much of their singles battle. Was extradited back from Spain for the 2008 tournament though where he picked up a valuable point in the singles. Favours steak and kidney, with mushy peas.
17. Gavin Stewart
Yet another Northerner to pick up maximum points with a fine debut at the CnG. Gav’s singles win on the Monday at Celtic Manor was at the heart of a decisive swing in the North’s favour, as 4 consecutive matches were won.
18. Andrew 'Togga' Barker
Togga was the most dedicated trainer in the 2008 North team – having been on the wagon for 8 years he developed a penchant for red wine and conditioned his liver accordingly so he could compete with the best at the 2008 CnG. No-one can argue against this training routine as it sailed him straight into the hall of fame. Clive Woodward has since been seen in the parks of Yorkshire sniffing through bins looking for the secrets of this Vino Successo.
19. Richard Begent
Having been tempted by the riches on offer on the Polish Tour before he could ever make his first CnG appearance, Bege was loaned back especially for the 2008 competition and brought with him a wealth of Polak experience. He naturally scored full marks and didn’t let the golf get in the way of the competition. If only the competition was just about the drinking for everybody else as well.
20. David Byrne
Some would call him a turncoat but we all now know that Agent ‘DB’ Byrnes inclusion on the southern team for the 2005 tournament was purely about infiltrating the team and slaying them with 3-Man. However, as all the history books will tell you, Northerners being Northerners were too drawn into the trap, with the temptations of excessive alcohol too much to ignore, and the whole plan backfired…badly. After 2 years in exile it was good to have DB back.
21. Phil Byrne
The brother of Agent DB, the rumours had it that he was drafted in to the 2008 competition as the only golfer in the Byrne brood. After dragging his brother to victory in the fourballs and then scoring a convincing point in the singles it is hard to argue against them.
22. Richard Deaville
The Ian Poulter of the north was drafted back from the C’n’G Seniors Tour (North) for the 2008 competition to offer flamboyance and glamour to the team. Rich is a strong competitor and the only time his nerve can be tested was at the bar when charged £10 for a G’n’T.
23. Jake Edmonds
Promoted from the C’n’G Youth Academy (North) at Burton for the 2008 competition. After losing a close fourballs game he then took the South’s strongest player to the cleaners on the final day. Some tried to accuse him of gamesmanship after flirting shamelessly with his opponent for the entire evening before the match but we put the result down to honest good play.
24. Paul Forster
This Geordie got called up in 2008 after the token Geordie from 2007 dropped out. Paul’s golf is so impressive that his mother-in-law even came to watch him play the closing stages of the 2008 tournament. Its not even like her own son has played 4 times before and she’s never bothered to watch then.
25. Simon Lowe
Discovered the true risk of wearing white trousers in 2008 when the gravy bug hit. Didn’t let it affect his performances though and ran streaks past the opposition, taking 2 points from 2. Hosted the training camp at Branston which set the ball rolling for the 2008 win.
26. Iain McNicol
Like a true Scot Iain stole the golf cart from under the nose of his partner after being struck down by the runny gravy, leaving said partner wandering the course with no clubs. You didn’t see him straining himself though as he returned to score a solid half.
27. Jon Durie
The golf cart is this mans office. The ‘Wee Man’, who calls everyone over 5ft5 ‘Big Man’, scored a convincing singles victory in 2008 with a phone stuck to his ear and a Blackberry in each hand whilst pretending to be at work.
28. Stephen Helm
Bob Mortimer lookalike, lover of the sweaty fox and also from the North East. Could it really be? I really wanna see those fingers!
Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka’..can he win? Nope. Drew both matches.
29. Dan Russon
Maintaining the proud CNG tradition of pre tournament freak injuries (2007 – Angus breaking a bone in his hand, drunk on his 30th, and in 2008 – Jerry Nepia falling off his bike), Dan chopped off a finger tip trying to “get inside the mind of a southerner” by impersonating Jamie Oliver in the kitchen.
30. Gav's Dad
First father & son combo in the CnG. The old fella kept up pretty well with the rest of the golfers, and drinkers, outdoing his Son in both stakes. Comes from so far north he’s Scottish, although many moons ago he was granted a license to reside in England and has blended in well.
31. Mike Unsworth
Didn’t lose a match in 2009. But didn’t win a match either! Steady performance from the debutant who will be fighting for his first win next time.
32. Stuart Boyle
The South seemed somewhat upset at the recruitment of Stuart. Not sure why but it probably had something to do with the following: a) He’s an Assistant Professional at The Belfry b) He’s a scratch handicapper c) He’s Scottish
By the end of the weekend however it was obvious for all to see that he was not there just for the golf. Awesome golfer, great lad but NEVER borrow his towels!!
33. Ben Dyche
Ben has a way with language that few others can match. A modern day Shakespeare and his soothing words proved invaluable in calming an annoyed hotel manager at Slaley Hall:
Hotel Manager Did you just kick the door to my office open and try and run away?
Ben Dyche What the f**k you talking about, who the f**k who are you anyway, I ain’t f**king telling you sh*t, i aint no f**king grass, go f**k yourself!!
Hotel Manager Leave
34. Michael Douglas
Michael Douglas is one of the few actors who actually appears to be a walking paradox. A household name, an estimated worth of over $200 million, a father (Kirk Douglas) who was one of the world’s biggest film stars in the 1940s, and a wife whose father is younger than he is, Douglas has indeed gained fame and acclaim. His parents (Kirk and wife Diana Douglas) divorced when he was six, and he went to live with his mother and her new husband. Good to see him turn out for the North in St Mellion though.
35. Paul McKeown
Paul battled not only his southern adversaries but a sickening sabotage. Whilst slugging it out Man V Southerner on the Sunday singles he had to contend with dealing with the RAC who were required to break into his car to return his locked in keys. A true Northern sportsman he dealt with the RAC on the phone whilst continuing to play his shots. Was brought in to the squad for his drinking abilities but was never seen past 9pm, although he did nearly win some golf.
36. Lee Mitchell
Following dinner on Sunday evening the singles draw takes place. Normally a situation of banter and rivalry. This year was different. Lee drew Nick Smudger Smith. Dark clouds began to draw in. Lightening and thunder was heard. Their eyes met and in a scene similar to the movie Highlander there could only be one survivor. Drink for drink, toe to toe clash began and only ended when Crème de Menthe was ordered. Nick was soon sent packing to bed early at 3:30am. Nick’s experience in holding his breakfast down proved to be key in this tight fought match however.
37. Alex Teeuwen
Many disgruntled Chelsea and Leeds fans took it upon themselves to take the opportunity to address football concerns with Ken Bates. Beg in particular would not accept that Alex, a Dutch gentleman here to play golf and enjoy the weekend was not Ken Bates. Beg was heard shouting over the bar continually just buy a striker most of the night.
38. Mat Woollett
Following a lesson in golf from the Matt Speedy Gonzales Jackson in the Sunday fourballs and then drawing him again in the Monday singles Mat still seemed quite confident. Before the singles draw his words were If I drew Jacko, he’d give me 10 shots and I’d easy win. His confidence was awesome as he turned up on the 1st tee with no clubs and spent 3 holes tracking down keys to Paul’s car to get them. In a final act of confidence. he locked Paul’s keys in the boot.
39. Barry Durant
This northerner hails from a little seaside town in Essex called Southend on Sea. He’s as Northern as healthy eating but his tenacious golf and good attitude at the bar meant no one mentioned it.
40. Tom McManus
Booooooooom. Every time Tom took his driver out of his bag all that could be heard was a loud sonic boom. He dropped it on one hole and St Mellion was re architected. Rumoured to have powered the recent launch and successful landing on Mars through a specially designed 6 iron. An Aussie. But an Aussie with a sense of humour and one who supports the England Cricket Team. So not really an Aussie then!
41. Deepak Jaiswal
Debutant in 2013 at Celtic Manor, Deepak warmed up with a spot of pre-tournament training in Portugal, but even this couldn’t prepare for the Southern demolition job that unfurled on the opening two days of competition. Immaculate dresser Deepak was unfortunate in coming up against an inspired performance from Tom Juniper in the Scramble, and battled well in the Fourballs against good friends Rich Bavister and Will Mathews. A fruitless weekend in terms of points was concluded in a Singles loss against Tom McManus, but I get the feeling Deepak will be back to put the record straight given this Sheffield lad’s steeliness.
42. Gav Martin
Recovered from an injured back to don the Northern Navy Blue at Celtic Manor in 2013 after almost representing the South back in 2010 at Woburn. ‘Sweaty Sock’ Gav looked far more at home on the Northern team, and contributed to their only win over the first two days of golf at Celtic Manor, offering a chink of light as the rest of his team succumbed to the Southern onslaught! Gav backed this up with a singles win over Andy Jackson, so the North will be keen to keep hold of him for future years.
43. Ian Park
Ian was looking forward to making his debut at the 2014 Chips n Gravy. He’d been counting the sleeps for the previous 6 weeks. His excitement was somewhat diminished though when his Southern opponent arrived on tee on horse back, decked in a poncho with large sombrero upon his head. Spurs clattered as he alighted from the horse and blew cigar smoke in Ian’s face. Any guesses who the southerner was?
44.Regan Galbraith
Regan has made a real impact on CnG since teeing off in 2015 up in Formby, and is clearly a man who loves his sport, beer and banter, hailing as he does from South Africa. Part-time golfer would be an understatement to describe how often the big fella plays, but the galleries have been entertained with his length and ridiculous height off the tee. After 5 defeats from 5, Regan set the record straight with a phenomenal win against Southern #1 Matt Evans at Walton Heath in the 2016 Singles. Never has a hole halved in 11 been celebrated so wildly!
45. Harish Tailor
Smooth-talking, snappily dressed Harry is not your classic cardigan-wearing Northerner, but he can sniff out a lap-dance from 5 miles away and strikes a mean ball out on the course. Harry has been involved in some epic matches over his first two years in Northern Blue, and always plays with a smile on his face. Cleaned up with both Longest Drive and Nearest the Pin in the 2016 Scramble at East Sussex National’s East Course, before edging a ding-dong Singles match at Walton Heath against Will Mathews at the last with some nerveless golf.
46. Amarjit Bahia
Amarjit was the only debutant in 2016, but settled in seamlessly to the weekend’s golf down in Sussex. A deliberate, thorough man in all that he does, Amarjit will then go up a few gears after eating a sausage roll or two – think Banana Man but with more pastry. He cleaned out the Halfway Hut at East Sussex National of meat-filled pastries, much to the consternation of the hungry groups following his game, and came prepared to Walton Heath with a Texaco Garage 89p classic. In both cases his golf improved immeasurably and Amarjit was left to rue not packing any pastry for his first round in the Scramble, as this probably cost him a place in the Hall of Fame.
47. Tom Juniper
Forcibly transferred from the South to represent the North in 2016. Dragged kicking and screaming like a UNITED airline passenger on an overbooked flight. Tom’s experience of drinking gravy and living off pastry was something he’s not looking repeat. More fool him!
48. Bob Bailey
Popular addition to the Northern ranks in 2017, despite an accent that screams Hackney market trader rather than Yorkshire steeplejack. Bob’s solid game brought Hall of Fame recognition on debut – no mean feat given that this included a rare singles victory over Southern points machine Matt Evans. Paired up effectively with fellow newcomer Paul Dobie for the first two rounds, and the North will be keen to sign him up for future year
49. Paul Dobie
Didn’t get to the bottom of the name “Dead Hard Dad”, but Paul played a significant role in the North getting their grubby mitts on the hipflask for the first time in 4 years in 2017. Like his playing partner Bob Bailey, Paul registered a perfect 3 out of 3, although beating Donners at singles doesn’t quite carry the same gravitas as a win over Matt Evans. Solid effort in the bar as well made Paul a big hit with his teammates.
50. Stu Mather
Rattled a few cages in the 2017 Fourballs by racking up back to back birdies at the Brabazon, off a handicap of 34 no less! Followed this up with a 10 at the next hole, as his supply of Lucozade Port started to run low. Haven’t seen a golfer take his drinking so seriously for a good few years, as Stuart offered a sepia-tinted touch of nostalgia for those of us who have forgotten why we really do this. Zero points from three, by the way.
51. Richard Slater
Made his debut for the North in 2017 at The Belfry / Forest of Arden, and struggled initially in the team format, only to turn things around impressively in the singles and claim a vital point in the final match out on course. Steady player, who sensibly ignored Amarjit’s recommendation of an alcohol-free curry house in favour of a good old-fashioned boozer.
